Tales of the Parodyverse

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ag
Sat May 06, 2006 at 11:26:03 am EDT
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Fresh Produce In Season Part 4The final chapter
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This story takes place just before #269: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Ninjas vs Fairies vs Robots vs Zombies





“Are you sure they’ll be ok?” Jasper asked with deep fear.
He was in the infirmary with Hatman, Al B. Harper, Trickshot and the Manga Shoggoth. His parents were lying on two hospital beds, deeply asleep.
“They should be alright Jasper. The sedatives Uhuna gave them will keep them out for days.” Hatman explained. “Once they get to Lemuria they will remain in a rested state.”
Al continued, “Then after I work out a reversing process or at least a proper removal of the Patriot Brand, we’ll bring them back to Earth as good as new.”
Jasper’s facial expression was a clueless one. “You make it sound so simple. They’ll be on another world but the entire time they’ll be asleep?”
“Not another world, a continent. Lemuria is a hidden continent.” Al explained.
“If you would rather, I could consume them and then store them away from any trouble that would befall them.”
Jasper’s look turned to one of horror. “No! I mean thank you Mister Shoggoth but I think I’ll go for the hidden continent option.”
“All right then. Jasper keep in mind, we’re currently evacuating the mansion to Lemuria and that’s where most of the mansion guests are going.” Hatman explained the plan but Jasper knew where he was heading with this.
“Uh Hatman…”
“You can call me Jay. We’ve known each other for years.”
“Okay. Jay if it’s all right with you I’d like to stay with the heroes defending the mansion. I just need to do something or I’ll go nuts.”
Jay started to lead Jasper out of the infirmary. Trickshot followed along quietly (an unusual feat for him).
“I could see that. We need the help but first let me ask you a question.”
“Alright.”
“In the heat of the battle, when things are the lowest, will you be thinking of the battle or your parents?”
“Uh…”
They were by themselves in the corridor, nevertheless Jay spoke quietly to Jasper, “I’ve known you for a few years now Jasper. I’ve seen you fight with more and more confidence. Lately though I can tell your mind is elsewhere. As the leader of the Lair Legion, I need everyone focused and I’m just not so sure you are.”
Jasper was silent.
Jay was expecting Trickshot to explode. How dare he talk to Tricky’s friend this way? He was amazed to see Trickshot look down and keep to himself.
With no one replying, Jay continued, “What I DO need from you is help in Badripoor. I’m sending the Juniors and other friends there. I need all of you to help the many refugees from SR 1066. Those people are considered mutates but really they’re just normal, frightened people. They are scared and in need of someone who can set an example of bravery and faith. Would you do that for me?”
“Yes Jay.”
“Thanks Jasper. I knew we could count on you. Well if you two will excuse me I need to speak with Visionary.”
They nodded as Hatman walked away.
“Jasper come here. We gotta talk.” Tricky grabbed Jasper’s arm and led him to his room. Upon entering Jasper saw Trickshot’s various newspaper clippings of his exploits, archery trophies and racks of arrows. There on the floor was a sleeping bag where Jasper was to bunk while he stayed at the mansion.
Tricky motioned towards the bed for Jasper to sit while the archer pulled up a chair, turned it around and straddled it.
“Alright kid here’s what’s what. Normally if Captain Canada or anyone else were to talk to one o’ my friends like that I’d give ‘em both barrels. This time however I didn’t. Wanna know why?”
Jasper said nothing.
“Fine. This is why. Ever since last year, during the Crisis, you haven’t been your self. Hey, she was a friend of mine too but you don’t see me…”
Jasper stood up, “SHUT UP! What do you know? You worked with the JBH for what? One adventure? You barley knew her. I worked with her for years. Years Carl! I knew her best and when I tried to explain to everyone that she was still alive no one listened. NO ONE!”
Surprisingly, Carl Bastion remained in his seat, listening.
Jasper however, paced back and forth. “I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. It’s always been like this. When people think of proud, strong heroes who do they call? Amazing Guy, Hatman, Donar. Anybody but ‘Kid Produce’. And why should they? I mean when you got a guy who can punch through walls why call the teen who throws vegetables around? Heck, vegetables couldn’t save my parents from getting brainwashed. They couldn’t even save… her.”
Jasper sat back down, defeated.
“We never had a chance to save her. She snuck into the battle remember? None of us small time heroes were even invited to that clam bake. It was just all the guys and gals with major powers.”
“And that’s my point.”
“No what I mean is it wasn’t up to you to save her, kid. She knew whut she was doin’. She knew the risks, same as the rest of us.”
“Yeah but what if some of us are too stupid to realize we’re losers?”
“Huh? Hey kid, you’re NOT a loser!”
“Carl, even Ham-Boy does better than me. He took on the Yurt and was invited to join the Juniors. Me? I was part of Amazing Guy’s hanger ons. Maybe I should just stop fooling myself and give up… OW!”
Carl had bounced his “World’s Best Butthead” mug off Jasper’s head.
“Blah, blah, blah, blah. So life dealt you crap. SO WHAT? I watched my entire LL massacred kid! Then I got tricked to leave my Earth. I was lied to an’ told my Earth was destroyed, then after I found out that wasn’t true ya know what?”
Jasper just looked at him with hate in his eyes. He knew exactly what Carl went through but he just did not care.
Carl continued, oblivious to Jasper’s obvious emotion, “I’ll tell ya what. Right after I found out it was still around my Earth WAS destroyed. Right along with two of my friends! I never had a chance to get back there and see any body kid. I lost friends too an’ the way things are heating up lately I’m probably gonna lose more. Do I let that bug me? No! I keep goin’. Guess why.”
“You’re too much a stupid ass to know when to quit?”
Carl paused a moment. He was not used to meek, timid Kid Produce speaking like that. He only paused a moment however. “Yeah there’s that. AND there’s the fact that if I quit then that’s all she wrote. All those buddies died fer nothin’! I keep on goin’, not letting life’s knocks get me down cause the end o’ the road is worth it kid. Th’ people are worth it. She would’ve wanted you to fight Jasper. You know it.”
Jasper looked down to his shoes. He knew Carl was right.
“I think you need some time to discover WHO you are. I think you need to hook up with the Juniors and figure just who an’ what you’re made of again. I’ll put a word in with Vish. In the mean time I think I know just whut you need. Wait here an’ I’ll check the monitors fer a little trouble.”
Jasper had no clue what Tricky meant as he left the room but he did not really care. The other things the arrogant archer was saying struck a nerve. Maybe it was time to start over.




In the heart of Paradopolis, on the same street that the Twin Parody Tower sits several small shops and restaurants. This area always gives the tourists to the city a feel of welcome.
Today however, there is a feeling of fear as a woman with a meatball head and long extendible spaghetti for hair laughs evilly.
“People of the city hear me! This establishment has long performed cruel experiments with the glorious pasta! I, the Spegettifier, will no longer tolerate it!”
She was standing atop a table within the outside patio of Little Tony’s Restaurant. As she threw back her meatball head to laugh once more, her long spaghetti locks stretched out with a life of their own, destroying everything in sight.
“Well kids, there’s our target. Think you can handle her?” Trickshot was standing on a roof across the street. Around him were several young heroes, some members of the Junior Lair Legion and some guests of the Lair Legion. It has become rumored that some of these kids will become the new class of Juniors. Tricky figured that there was no better way to see who fits the bill than a little exercise.
“You’ve got to be kidding!” Kerry Shepherdson asked incredulously.
“I think he’s serious.” Fetish Lad replied. “IS he serious?”
“I’ve never known him to be but I guess there’s always a first time. He’s certainly not a serious dresser. Purple and green? Eeew!” Fashion Accessory commented.
“This is stupid.” Danny Lyle, the teen rebel known as Denial said. “What’s the point? She’s a lame-a$$ villain. Just one of us could take her.”
“The point is that if a member of the Legion gives us an assignment, we do it. Besides, that woman is a malcontent and must be dealt with proper.” Captain Courageous explained with frustration in his thick British accent.
“She does smell nice. He head smells like one of the dishes Tony makes for me when I come by.” Glory woofed. The device strapped to her neck translated her canine words.
“Hey! So you’re a cross between Lady from “Lady and the Tramp” and Krypto?” Glitch, the girl autobot asked with excitement.
“Not really but thank you for the comparison. I have enjoyed those shows before.” Glory wagged her tail.
“Uh guys, how come Cody Harper didn’t come?” Ham-Boy wondered aloud.
“I couldn’t find ‘em. So are you kids gonna jaw some more or are you gonna thrash her?”
“Trickshot is right! Why are we wasting time discussing the smell of that strange human?” Prince Kiivan, Emir of All Caph, asked as he drew his sword.
“Because it would be better then causing undo property damage?” Lady Ohanna, his companion, replied.
”NAY! LET THE DAMAGE COMMENCE!” Harlagaz Donarson shouted as he jumped off the building and landed on the street below. The cracks in the pavement displayed the truth of his declaration.
Kid Produce looked at Trickshot for a moment as the others started to follow Donar.
“Don’t think about it kid. What do you want? This is your chance. Just give it all you can.”

”HAVE AT THEE FOUL FOODSTUFF FEMALE!” Harlagaz shouted as he jumped into the tangling mess of long noodle hair.
He stared to rip up strands but even more replaced them. At the same time this was going on, Prince Kiivan was slashing madly with his sword and Captain Courageous was wrestling with more tentacle like strands.
“I’m getting closer!” Kiivan said as he flung back his sword arm.
“HEY!” Kit Kipling (Captain Courageous) called out as Kiivan’s sword clipped his belt. Before the young hero could stop them, his pants fell to his ankles. This act revealed his British flag boxers to all.
“Nice fashion statement there Kipper!” Glitch said with a mechanic wink of her optics as she leaped over the hero and into the tangling mess. Her tiny buzz saw buzzing through the noodles as she went.
Kiivan tried to apologize as he continued to make no head way at the noodles, “I never meant to…”
“I do not think this is the time my Emir.” Lady Ohanna was making no headway either with her Caphan slave's houri dagger.
“COME ON GUYS! HELP ME!” Fetish Lad called as seven incredibly strong noodles were swinging him around. He had used two sets of handcuffs on the living pasta but that just got him in more of a fix.
“I’m on it!” Ham-Boy and Kid Produce each said at the same time. Ham-Boy used his Meat Vision to try and weigh down the attacking pasta with large meatballs. Each meatball appeared in the path of Jasper’s razor sharp carrot knives.
“Hey! Stop knocking off my meatballs!”
“Well get out of my way then looser!”
“LOOSER? At least I don’t dress like a grocery clerk!”
“I AM a grocery clerk Pork-Boy!”
“I am NOT fat! What the heck are you doing here anyway? I thought you JBH guys quit?”
“Guys! Concentrate on getting to the villain!” Samantha Bonnington chastised them. She then turned back to try to get a bead on their foe. Unfortunately there were too many strands of spaghetti hair in the way.
“Fashion Accessory is right Pork-Boy!” Jasper bit back. All the events and stress in his life started to boil over. It would not be the last time. “Get the %^&$ out of the way!” Jasper threw a tomato bomb into the mess of noodles that were swinging Fetish Lad around. After a small explosion, the kinky knight fell to the ground covered in tomato sauce. He wasn’t the only one.
“HEY! You got that all over me!” Fashion Accessory fumed.
Further in the crazy forest of pasta Glitch and Glory continued to make great headway.
“I’m glad we get to subdue this villain! She tastes as good as she smells!” Glory woofed as she moved effortlessly through the edible tangles.
It was second nature for Glitch to maneuver just as fast due to her ability to transform into a super-charged, super-speed scooter.
“Do you think she’s noticed you eating your way to her?” the day-glow scooter asked.
“AARRRGGH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU MANGY MUTT?”
“I suppose so. YEELLP!” the wind was knocked out of Glory as Harlagaz was thrown from the tight tangle of noodles that temporarily held him into her. The momentum took the two of them through the kitchen, smashing everything in their path.
“Enough of this!” the Spegettifier said as her pasta locks lifted her into the air. Some noodles swatted Glitch and a few more Juniors back as she started to leave. “You children have done my job for me!”
Little Tony’s Restaurant was in shambles. All the customers had long since fled while the scared employees tried their best to hide inside. The outdoor patio was completely destroyed and the inside was a loss as well.
As the villain continued to leave Samantha looked over at Danny Lyle and Kerry Shepherdson. The two were sitting at the only outside table that had not been turned over. Danny was smirking at how everything turned out. Kerry was sitting with her back turned. She did not want to appear to be “with” him.
“Fine, ok.” She threw her lighter up towards the leaving Spegettifier. As it twirled in the air it ignited into a small fireball.
Before it could touch the villain’s back, Glitch, now in human form leaped towards the Spegettifier. Oblivious to Kerry’s attempt, Glitch tried to catch the villain. Instead the fireball impacted on her leg, setting her on fire.
“HEY! WATCH IT!”
“Oh ^&%$!” Kerry swore.
Glitch was forced to land, roll and use her fire extinguisher to put out the flames.
“SHE’S GETTING AWAY!” Trickshot shouted as he leaped towards the ground. He fired an arrow at her but one of the pasta strands knocked it to the ground.
The Spegettifier was gone and all that was left was one ruined restaurant, several embarrassed youth and one angry restaurant owner.
“Look whata she dida to mya restetrant! Who’sa gonna pay for this?” Tony shouted at Trickshot.
“My pants Trickshot! My belt was cut and they dropped. I’m sorry. I should not have come so close to Kiivan.”
Trickshot just put his face in his hand and sighed.




Well this is the last part. From this point we move onto the events in Untold Tales. From there… well we’ll just have to learn together.

The attached micro gives the look of Jasper. He’s a thin, regular sized teen of seventeen years old. He has short brown hair and green eyes.



a.g.
Amazing Guy






Scott’s Site! Featuring Caption the Pic (where action figures talk!) and Amazing Tales on the Web (stories and micros of the Parodyverse!).






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